What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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