What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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Why did the banana split?

It saw the ginger snap.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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