What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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