What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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