What do you call a snowman in the desert?

A puddle!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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