What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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