What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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