What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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