What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.

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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish

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What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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