What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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What is a baby's motto?

If at first you don't succeed, cry and cry again!
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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