What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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