What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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