What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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