What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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