What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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