What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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