What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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