What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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