What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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What is a baby's motto?

If at first you don't succeed, cry and cry again!
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Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school.
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