What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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