What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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