What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What country makes you shiver?

Chile.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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