What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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Why is slippery ice like music?

If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

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