What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What is a spaceman's favorite chocolate?

A marsbar!
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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