What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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