What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.

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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh

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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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