What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What did one tooth say to the other tooth?

The dentist is taking me out tonight.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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