What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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