What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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