What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!

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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.

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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark

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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.

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