What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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