What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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