What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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