What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Where does a polarbear keep its money?

In a snow bank!
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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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