What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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