What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky

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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!

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Two satellites decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split

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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.

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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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