What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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