What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Why did Lil Wayne go to the Doctor?

He was feeling a Lil Weezy

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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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