What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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