What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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Where is a rabbit's favorite place to eat?

Ihop
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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