What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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