What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke...

It'll come back to me.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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