What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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