What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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