What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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