What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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