What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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