What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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