What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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