What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

"Many hands make light work."
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