What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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