What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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How many Mensans does it take to tell Mensa light bulb jokes?

Five. One to tell the joke and one to get it.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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