What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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