What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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