What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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