What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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