What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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