What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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What kind of dress can't be worn?

Address.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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