What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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The new band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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