What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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What is always hot in the refrigerator?

Chili
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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