What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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