What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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