What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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