What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

One molar solution.
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