What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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