What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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