What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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