What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish

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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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