What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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