What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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