What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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