What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!

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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.

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