What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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