What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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