What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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