What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

"Many hands make light work."
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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