What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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