What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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