What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?

Roosters don't lay eggs!
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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