What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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