What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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