What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.

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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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Two satellites decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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