What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What is a ghost's favorite pie?

Booberry pie!
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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