What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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