What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Two satellites decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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