What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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