What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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