What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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