What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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